betty_rocker

1. I'm so whipped by my husband that I kill my own game in dreams. No shit. A few months ago I had this dream that things were getting pretty hot with a guy I knew from college, and the next thing I knew in the dream I was in a parking lot with my husband arguing over where we parked the car. So I woke myself up, because hello that's totally boring, and I felt angry and resentful. Then I felt guilty for being mad at my husband for ruining my dream fun, so I decided, what would make me the best wife ever? Wake him up with a blow job, of course! So I crept his pajama pants down to go for it, and he punched me in the head. He guards his junk like a samurai in his sleep. Great night. You should all totally, totally get married. It's just super.

2. Sticks and stones may break my bones but a shotgun blast will shut me up forever.

3. I like my men like I like my tractors. I can't get any more specific than that. Please don't ask me to explain.

4. It's recently come to my attention that the movie "A Bug's Life" is really just "The Magnificent Seven."

I once saw a woman fall down an escalator and I laughed. Because she looked like a bitch.

Tempted to put Sarah Jessica Whateverthefuck, but have to go with Sandra Oh my god, my eyes.

10. John Cho
9. Zach Galifianakis
8. Seth Rogen
7. Freddy Rodriguez
6. Naveen Andrews
5. Young Martin Landau circa NxNW
4. Jason Lee
3. Young Brian Cox circa Manhunter
2. Dule Hill
1. Alton Brown (bizarre, I know, it's a sickness, all right?)

Smile, mischievous sense of humor type shit. Indicators of intelligence and laughs.

Inanimate objects have it out for me. They're everywhere, too. Imagine my torture. I could use a hug. And a twenty.

5. Richard Gere
4. Russell Crowe
3. Dustin Hoffman
2. Criss Angel
1. Carrot Top

09/29/2008

5. Debra Messing
4. Orlando Bloom and I'll defend to the death my placing of him in this category
3. That cat-faced creepy rich lady yet I'd still rather gaze upon her surgery-wracked freakshow of a face than the following two inexplicably popular hags
2. Sarah Jessica Parker
1. Sandra Oh

I hope you appreciate the labor of love that is this list, because I found selection and ranking to be more difficult than a goddamned LSAT. (not listed: guilty pleasure Kim K.), 10. Asia Argento, 9. Maria Grazia Cucinotta, 8. Anna Mouglalis, 7. Kate Beckinsale, 6. Penelope Cruz, 5. Adriana Lima (sorry Ale, but I like my lesbo lingerie trysts on the snarly, freaky side), 4. Salma Hayek, 3. Rachel Weisz, 2. Jennifer Connelly, 1. Monica Bellucci