Photo Credit: Pineapple Express Official Website

So yeah, first off, my bad for not doing one of these since December, 2007---not that any of you bastards give a shit, but I figured it'd be a nice way to start the latest review of quite possibly one of the best stone head flicks in a while and I say that only because it sent me down memory lane: One such memory during a lu'au after-party in college with Jackson where we both smoked-out underneath some tree with a couple of hot Japanese chicks (or at least we thought they were hot at that particular time) and the second memory, again with Jackson, except this time we were on some beach on Costa Rica's Caribbean side in the pueblo of Puerto Viejo trying to desperately smoke some of our special Jamaican blend of the Sticky Icky (sold to us by our Jamaican boat captain, who's also a marijuana dealer on the side) which turned out to be extremely difficult since we rolled them (all 10 of them) super tight (that was my dumbass idea) and Jackson & I sat on the fucking beach, with waves crashing in the background, wasting our matches and lighter fluid only to be sucking weed-air, that is of course, until some Japanese friend helped roll these really fat doobies later in the evening and my God were they fat because all i remember was puking out the side of our lowered rice-rocket the next morning as we drove our asses back to the capital city of San Jose, but let's get back to the movie at hand since that's what this review is supposed to be about (my bad), so my earlier praise of the flick might be slightly overblown since it dragged at the end with the extended & slightly unnecessary fight scene, but Seth Rogen, James Franco & Danny R. McBride as Red fucking killed it in the flick and at the end of the day, it was mainly about the true value of good friendships (yes, I'm tearing right now) & more importantly, how marijuana plays a critical role in almost every aspect of life (amen) and as funny as this flick was in a sober state of mind, I'm pretty sure it'll kick ass when you watch it as you're flying high in the trees (with hot woman in hand, of course), so pack a few joints and catch an early Tuesday afternoon show, so you can safely light up without bothering anybody else in the theater.

MORE:
- Pineapple Express Official Website

PREMIERE PICTURES:
- Amber Heard
- Adrianne Curry & Boobies
- Shiri Appleby
- Jenna Dewan
- Leslie Mann
- Emma Stone
- Elizabeth Banks

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If you want to see this Ruskie's juicies, then that's pretty much the only reason to watch this movie, but I have to admit Ola Kurylenko does have a nice au natural rack and doesn't mind showing it off to the cameras, which leads me to wonder when Playboy will knock on her door for a layout, but besides boobies and a few crazy action sequences, this movie needs desperate redemption by a qualified team of writers b/c there's definitely potential here for a kickass story, but in its current state, you should just wait to watch it on DVD so you can enjoy all the delicious bits in slow-mo, so save your hard earned dough for now.



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Preview of Olga's juicy scenes (3.7mb zip)

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At the screening of Knocked Up at the Arclight in Hollywood, I was excited to see the movie, after all it was directed by Judd Apatow the guy behind 40 Year Old Virgin, but my date and I got a little worried when we saw some sequin wearing SAG members and Hollywood types roll into the theater and the dudes behind us started debating the techonology used in the upcoming movie, Transformers, (could they really like the same sort of movie as us? I prayed they were just there to see it for free with their SAG memberships), as soon as the movie started the laughs began, the main character, Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) is that guy that we all know- the funny dude who was super cool in high school and college, fun to go out with and smoke some dub with at a concert, not the guy that you want your sister to date, the eye candy definately comes in the form of Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl) whose boobs look fantastic throughout the entire movie, so the story goes that Alison is working at the E! network and gets a promotion, to celebrate Alison and her married sister go out to celebrate (both looking hot and rocking their way into the front of the line), where they meet Ben and his posse of friends (the guy from How I Met Your Mother and some guys from Freaks and Geeks), in a sorta Beauty and the Beast storyline Alison and Ben make it back to her house and start to get it on, and while Ben is trying his best to put a condom on (we get the feeling it's something he has not done in a while), Alison tells him "Just do it already!!!" which Ben takes literally and from the name of the movie its not hard to guess what happens next, the movie is filled with great on liners (esp liked the one about doggy style- "I'm not asking you to do it a like dog, just in the style of a dog, it's not like I'm asking you to go outside to do it like that"), awesome performance by Paul Rudd, TONS of great breast moments (did I mention that Ben and his friends are trying to create an internet site that can tell you at what point in a movie you can see an actresses boobs, frontal nudity, etc), there is even a koochie shot (thought it may not be what you think), Judd Apatow does an excellent job of capturing all the crazy shit women do and making fun of it as well as pointing out all of the dumb ass shit guys, this movie is destined to be come a quotable classic along with Old School, 40 Year Old Virgin and Anchor Man, this is a man's romantic comedy as it is a love story, filled with crude jokes, drugs, alcohol, sex, boobs and not too much gushy gay love songs.

For more info on Knocked Up, check out the...

Official Website and Official MySpace

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Before I begin the review, I gotta say that w/ all the horndogg hype surrounding this movie, I decided to use MovieTickets.com for the first time b/c my luck sucks ass w/ semi-popular movies, so since my luck sucks ass, I get to the theater to only see a quarter of it filled at which point I let out a loud (subconscious, of course) fuck you directed at MovieTickets.com (for taking my extra dollar for svc charges & driving up total ticket cost to 10.75), but regardless, I gotta say that like millions of other people out there, I'm a total sucker for Tarantino flicks b/c the guy just thinks differently and thinking different not only sells, but it makes his competitors look like mindless clones who follow the same script every time they touch a camera, so yeah, since you get the point, let's dive into the movie b/c, after all, it was 3 hours 11 minutes long and included a total of two movies, many hilarious shorts (i.e. prevues), and pesky missing reels at key steamy points of the movie (damn you!! I really wanted to see that Vanessa Ferlito lap dance, you bastard!!), so in an attempt to keep things in some sort of order (not really) let's start w/ Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, which has more blood & guts flying around than maybe even the recently released 300, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Rodriguez smoked tons & tons weed when making this movie and if you can afford it, I would highly recommend watching this first half of Grindhouse in a drugged/boozed-out state of mind b/c I'm pretty sure it will only add to the craziness that will soon take hold of your balls & won't let go, but there are some seriously hot chicks in this first part---especially if you have a hot chicks w/ big guns fetish---and out of them all, those two hot Latina chicks were my favorite by far & are coincidently also Robert Rod's Venezuelan twin nieces (Elise and Electra Avellan), so all I gotta say is HOOK-IT-UP, BABY, but enough on Planet Terror b/c as soon Mr. Rodriguez's contribution ends, Grindhouse dives into a set of HILARIOUS trailers before Tarantino's 2nd half ("Death Proof") takes hold, but before we get into Death Proof, I just wanna say that I absolutely loved the trailers for "DON'T!" and "Thanksgiving" and hoping that some bastard gets them up on YouTube quickly b/c they will be wildly popular, so w/ movie # 2 of 2, Death Proof brought on a crazy cast headed up by Kurt Russell as the crazy old stunt man dude who has this kinky-ass fetish of killing hot chicks by way of smashing into them w/ his death proof stunt car straight from the 70s, but man there is so much unbelievable hotness trapped in Death Proof that talking about here will only put it to shame, so all I gotta say is that if you want to see some amazing legs, hot chicks, crazy-ass car chase followed by an even crazier punch-fest at the end where the chicks are beating the shit out of Kurt Russell, then you gotta get your ass into the theater, so in conclusion, coming from a guy who likes a lot of really bad movies, I highly recommend this one b/c like I said at the very beginning, it's different & who the hell doesn't like different?!

Here's a trailer of "THANKSGIVING." It was directed by Eli Roth.

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I haven't had to wait to get into a movie since I slim-shady'd my way into Phantom Menance with Photoshopped tickets (straight up James Bond style, baby) but the only redeeming factor was the fact that the chicks in the IMAX line were about 30x hotter than I've ever seen for a regular movie and that goes to prove another theory: Money follows hot chicks or is it the other way around(?), but regardless, getting back to the movie at hand, I gotta drop the bomb on 300, my friends, because I felt it was overrated on both counts---300, the movie and IMAX, the concept---BUT I'm glad I dropped $15 (ticket + small popcorn) to hit it up b/c now I won't have to go to another one for the rest of my life b/c let's admit it, large screens, at least in my opinion, reach a certain threshold of enormity where you just don't give a fuck about exactly how tall it is anymore b/c you just know it's fucking tall and move on from there, so yeah, besides screen size, please consider the following review disclaimer: as always, please don't take my review too seriously b/c if you go back into the archives, you'll notice my taste in movies is a bit abnormal and by abnormal I mean low budget and shitty, so 300 could just be a really great movie that I chose not to like b/c I traditionally side w/ abnormal (i.e. low budget & shitty) movies, but my reasons for pounding on 300 are somewhat legit in that it had some ultra cheesy dialog, a sub par story (even if it was based on a TRUE (my-fucking-ass) STORY which took place 3000 years ago) and just to prove my point, one of the most awkward scenes in the flick had to be that one scene the editing team forgot to throw into the trash---you know, the one where King Leonidas took 10 minutes to ask 15 of the Greek soldiers what their professions were to help drive home his point about how they are nothing in comparison to the Spartans b/c everyone knows that all members of the Spartan army have 16 inch penises and do nothing else during the day except have sex w/ really hot women, sharpen their spearheads, have more sex w/ more hot women & and then endlessly train to one day fight against million men armies---and that's just one scene that comes to mind, but some positives from the movie were all the baby-choker nipples that I'm pretty sure all those loving parents who brought their 8-year old kids were happy to see floating around on the screen b/c that hot oracle chick (Kelly Craig) & Lena Headey both had little chokers that would bring tears to even Bai Ling's eyes, but that's a whole another post in itself, so yeah, you should check out 300 if you fall into any of the following: if you really, really miss LOTR, if you're a chick who enjoys seeing nearly naked dudes with perfect 6-packs, if you're a gay homosexual (not that anything's wrong w/ that) who enjoys seeing nearly naked dudes with perfect 6-packs, if you enjoy extremely violent flicks with little or no story, and of course, last but not least, if you're a sick bastard who's tired of seeing Al Qaida sponsored beheadings posted all over the Internet, but if you're expecting LOTR-style epic combo of story & action, you'll be royally disappointed.

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For a guy who watches only lame-ass comedy flicks, Apocalypto was like watching a foreign movie---literally---b/c it had subtitles which I absolutely abhor b/c I don't know about you, but I go to the movies to eat popcorn (at a very slow, controlled pace, so that a small bag of $5 popcorn can last me the length of any movie in the domestic & international markets---BOLLYWOOD INCLUDED, BITCHES!!) & pretty much zone out, BUT obviously I was in the wrong fucking movie b/c it started off w/ some dude eating fresh testicles of some animal they had just ravaged w/ the use of some ultra sadistic trap which I'm not particularly capable of describing due to my horrible vocabulary in the area of ultra sadistic animal traps, but yeah, the only thing I learned from the movie was that I had always wondered what the fuck the long-ass, super-steep steps to those Mayan ruins in Peru were used for & Mel Gibson, as the New York Times reviewer wrote, "left nothing to the imagination" by showing Mayan dudes chopping off heads of fellow brothers---oops, rewind for a sec---before the heads were brutally chopped off, the human blood drenched Mayan executioner-dude (pictured below) stabbed the subject in the chest area so that he could rip out the beating heart for his living subject to see & then raised it to the sun to show appreciation to the Mayan Gods & if that wasn't all, the bastard proceeded to chop the head off (in the name of God, of course), all the while, 1000s of ultra rowdy spectators, akin to those found @ Football games or WWE events, down below watched & waited w/ great delight & anticipation---yes an evil form of anticipation that's rooted by the aforementioned blood drenched Mayan executioner ripping the head off his helpless subject's body, raising it high up in the air for everyone to see & then heartlessly tossing it down to 5 or so crazies holding netted baskets, hoping to be the lucky one to catch the decapitated head as it bounced down the endlessly long steps from high above, but besides that scene proving that Mel Gibson is in fact a crazy-ass mother fucker, the movie ended w/ a suspenseful bang as Jaguar Paw (the hero, if you will) ran (he literally ran the entire 2nd half of the movie) to rescue his pregnant wife & toddler son who were stuck inside a hollow well, which was slowly filling w/ water due a crazy downpour (ya, talk about a fucked up situation), but that's not all from a suspense standpoint b/c at the same time, Jaguar Paw was being chased by angry Mayan gangsters, one of whose goals was to peel Jaguar Paw's skin off his body & wear it (while Jaguar Paw was still alive & could see), but I digress, b/c at this point, as Jaguar Paw is running from these angry Mayan thugs toward the well holding his drowning wife & toddler son, his pregnant wife, of all things, gives birth to kid#2---underwater, Shamu style, mind you---and if that wasn't enough, the umbilical tube was still stuck to her bod as she helplessly treaded water inside the well (holding her two kids), but the question of whether Jaguar Paw can rescue them still lingers above & of course, I'll leave that for you to find out if you so desire to cough up the dough to watch this flick, which I don't particularly recommend for feminists, PETA activists, men who cannot perform in bed, men who cannot conceive children, people who don't like to watch public decapitations & similarly gruesome acts, but besides that, the flick is a brutally honest portrayal of the endless capabilities of a drunken, Jew-hating, wannabe-ultra-conservative white man w/ tons & tons of money to blow.

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