Hollywood Break Up

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The world mourns as Paris Hilton & Doug Reinhardt go their separate ways to battle with painful emotions that follow any tragic breakup. Getting teary-eyed yet? Since we have nothing better to do, we covered the couple's relationship over the past 12-16 weeks (sounds much longer than 3-4 months) as they enjoyed endless amounts of STD-infested sex inside luxury hotels around the globe.

So, now what?

Well, Paris will settle with yet another guy following a few weeks of "I'm single, again" one night stands with dudes she meets at her scheduled events or at after-parties or while getting gas or coffee---pretty much, wherever & whenever she feels like it.

As for Doug Reinhardt, it's a bit tricky. He's now in a special category of guys: Guys Who Have Fucked Paris Hilton. These are all guys we'll probably never hear about again, but you can bet your ass he's getting ass each night of the week. As a member of this special club, a few items are automatically assumed:

A. He's carrying the latest in celebrity STD technology.
B. He can never sleep with the likes of Angelina, Charlize, Alessandra, etc, etc---basically the respectable, famous women of our day.
C. He can always sleep w/ the slutty whores of society---yes, all those beautiful girls who worship Paris Hilton (read her books, wear her perfume), love drunken sex, previously gave blow jobs on the school bus when in high school, currently give blow jobs inside club restrooms, etc, etc.

So yeah, if you think Doug Reinhardt is gonna be a lonely man, think again. That dude has easy access to all the slutty bitches us normal guys think are totally hot, but would never consider touching b/c of one reason or another (she might be a prostitute, afraid of getting STDs, terrified of getting our penis chopped off following initial entry, or simply, don't have the balls to make the first move). Doug won't have to worry about making a move w/ the slutty bitches of society b/c they'll be throwing themselves at him---with legs spread eagle.

And now for some more touching pics of Paris & Doug over the past few weeks...
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Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Another reasonable question is, "Why is Jay Jopling sleeping with Lily Allen?"

From Lily's standpoint, it's obvious: Mr. Jopling is a British art dealer worth an estimated £100,000,000. If you were a chick and had a chance to fuck that much money, why wouldn't you?! All it takes is some shiesty condom sabotage & suddenly you could be swimming in an ocean of cash for an entire lifetime. When that much money is on the line, you gotta suck in your pride & do what's best.

Anyway, if you're not really interested in checking out pics of Lily making out with some old dude on the beach, then check out her topless pics from last week. Ow!
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

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This was snapped during Valentine's Day last year. (I'm tearing right now.)

Or, more importantly, shall we ask, "Who dumped who?"

What appeared to be Hollywood most boring relationship came to an abrupt end over the holidays---a particular time of the year when celebrity couples cruise to exotic beaches around the globe. People Magazinereports:

"They broke up over the holidays and have ended their engagement," says a source close to the couple. "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."

Reps for both Hewitt and McCall had no immediate comment.

Bastardly Questions:
1. Did the breakup happen because Jennifer Love Hewitt ass looked huge in a bikini again?
2. Did JLH catch Ross getting a blow job by one of her drunk friends inside the bathroom during a holiday party?
3. Anyone have any other interesting theories?

Whatever happened two things are certain:
1. Unless Ross McCall starts dating Megan Fox, we won't be hearing of him much longer on Bastardly.
And, 2. Jennifer Love Hewitt is ripe for Bastardly Rebound Sex!

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Photo Credit: BIG PICTURES/bauergriffinonline.com

It appears as if Madonna's US rep (now probably her ex- US rep) gave the AP incorrect information regarding her highly publicized divorce to British director Guy Ritchie. Here's the statement released from the Madonna/Ritchie camp:

"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.

"A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.

"Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."

Since we here at Bastardly are always optimistic when it comes to dudes winning massive amounts of cash in a divorce settlement, we're gonna assume the actual settlement is much more than previously stated.

Whatever the case, if Guy Ritchie won $50mil, it's like winning the fucking lottery because you fathered children with a human gold mine. Even though we're overflowing with envy, we gotta give Guy Ritchie major props for pulling this off! Good for him!

Here are a few pics of Guy snapped yesterday on the set of his new flick, "Sherlock Holmes."
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

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Photo Credit: GARRY SUN/bauergriffinonline.com

It turns out that Paris was at some Miami club this past weekend giving some nostalgic tongue action to ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos. Benji didn't like it, but later paid for it when Paris dumped his ass. One of Paris Hilton's fake friends was paid by Star Magazine to make up some bullshit painful stories about how Paris was controlled during the 9 month long relationship.

The source tells the mag, "Paris was fed up with Benji always telling her what to do and bossing her around. She felt she couldn't cut loose and party.

He doesn't drink and doesn't think she should either. She felt too fenced in."

The Bastardly snitch adds, "She couldn't take his overbearing ways anymore. It was stressing her out. He can be very aggressive and he was just too much trouble.

"He fought for a second chance and asked if they could talk it out but Paris said she was done talking."

After seeing several interviews w/ Paris over the past year, she appeared to be happy w/ her situation w/ Benji, but obviously it was all bullshit. I guess she's officially back on the street corner, so if you got the cash flow & a twisted desire to get a few STDs, you can have your way w/ the one & only Paris Hilton.

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These were snapped over the long weekend at some theater in Culver City, CA

Megan Fox Sweetie Brian Austin Green Spills on the New "90210"

Brian Austin Green tells us that he's heard from the producers of the CW's new "90210," who'd like him to make an appearance on the new show as his old "Beverly Hills, 90210" character, David Silver. "I wish them the best on the show, and I think it would be fun to go back for an episode if the timing ever worked out right. My schedule right now is pretty tight," says the "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" actor.

Green couldn't be happier with his current role -- Derek Reese, the uncle of Savior-of-the-World-To-Be John Connor. "I honestly couldn't ask for a better character to play. He's fantastic, and he has all the depth and back story that an actor would want and all the heart he needs." And besides, "Who wouldn't want to fight Terminators?" he asks. In fact, he wanted it enough to audition for it. "I went in on a Thursday morning, got the call and went to work on Friday. For me, it was really exciting." [National Ledger]

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