Bastardly Run-on Sentence Review - Apocalypto
Posted on Sunday, December 10th, 2006 @ 2:50pm by Moelicious
For a guy who watches only lame-ass comedy flicks, Apocalypto was like watching a foreign movie---literally---b/c it had subtitles which I absolutely abhor b/c I don't know about you, but I go to the movies to eat popcorn (at a very slow, controlled pace, so that a small bag of $5 popcorn can last me the length of any movie in the domestic & international markets---BOLLYWOOD INCLUDED, BITCHES!!) & pretty much zone out, BUT obviously I was in the wrong fucking movie b/c it started off w/ some dude eating fresh testicles of some animal they had just ravaged w/ the use of some ultra sadistic trap which I'm not particularly capable of describing due to my horrible vocabulary in the area of ultra sadistic animal traps, but yeah, the only thing I learned from the movie was that I had always wondered what the fuck the long-ass, super-steep steps to those Mayan ruins in Peru were used for & Mel Gibson, as the New York Times reviewer wrote, "left nothing to the imagination" by showing Mayan dudes chopping off heads of fellow brothers---oops, rewind for a sec---before the heads were brutally chopped off, the human blood drenched Mayan executioner-dude (pictured below) stabbed the subject in the chest area so that he could rip out the beating heart for his living subject to see & then raised it to the sun to show appreciation to the Mayan Gods & if that wasn't all, the bastard proceeded to chop the head off (in the name of God, of course), all the while, 1000s of ultra rowdy spectators, akin to those found @ Football games or WWE events, down below watched & waited w/ great delight & anticipation---yes an evil form of anticipation that's rooted by the aforementioned blood drenched Mayan executioner ripping the head off his helpless subject's body, raising it high up in the air for everyone to see & then heartlessly tossing it down to 5 or so crazies holding netted baskets, hoping to be the lucky one to catch the decapitated head as it bounced down the endlessly long steps from high above, but besides that scene proving that Mel Gibson is in fact a crazy-ass mother fucker, the movie ended w/ a suspenseful bang as Jaguar Paw (the hero, if you will) ran (he literally ran the entire 2nd half of the movie) to rescue his pregnant wife & toddler son who were stuck inside a hollow well, which was slowly filling w/ water due a crazy downpour (ya, talk about a fucked up situation), but that's not all from a suspense standpoint b/c at the same time, Jaguar Paw was being chased by angry Mayan gangsters, one of whose goals was to peel Jaguar Paw's skin off his body & wear it (while Jaguar Paw was still alive & could see), but I digress, b/c at this point, as Jaguar Paw is running from these angry Mayan thugs toward the well holding his drowning wife & toddler son, his pregnant wife, of all things, gives birth to kid#2---underwater, Shamu style, mind you---and if that wasn't enough, the umbilical tube was still stuck to her bod as she helplessly treaded water inside the well (holding her two kids), but the question of whether Jaguar Paw can rescue them still lingers above & of course, I'll leave that for you to find out if you so desire to cough up the dough to watch this flick, which I don't particularly recommend for feminists, PETA activists, men who cannot perform in bed, men who cannot conceive children, people who don't like to watch public decapitations & similarly gruesome acts, but besides that, the flick is a brutally honest portrayal of the endless capabilities of a drunken, Jew-hating, wannabe-ultra-conservative white man w/ tons & tons of money to blow.
| 23 Bastardly Comments »
Sounds like pure family entertainment for the holidays!
Where are the ancient Mayan boobs? Damn you, Mel!
there were boobs all over the place, too0 bad they were attached to mostly ugly women.
been myself a latino i have something native... so i like a movie about 'my culture'
Mel Gibson's a bit nutso, but hardly the psycho people make him out to be. I really don't think he's a neo-Nazi somehow. I can't stand all this political correctness
spiggy when I think of political correctness I think of bastardly.com
Hey retard... the Mayans had nothing to do with Peru. Totally different continent.
the pictures are nice though. prejudices and political correctness aside, i think i'll watch it just for the effort that has been put to making it.
that's a pretty weird reason to watch a movie, but whatever...
Lorin, make sure you check out Pooty Tang on DVD b/c a lot of work went into making it as well. If the effort doesn't cut it, it won an oscar or two, if that helps.
also, i admit it, I am not an expert on native indian history. I just support them by hitting up indian casinos scattered across california.
That sentence was the funniest thing i have read this week!!! The movie looks too scary for me though, I hate seeing blood and the heart scene you described strangely reminds me of one of the Indiana Jones movies... which I have no desire to see again.
samart-ass you made me laugh a LOT... with your stupidity
well that was one of the most pathetic, stupid, fell flat on it's face trying to be funny pieces of shit i've read in a while.
i want to see it just for the action.
Soooooo.... Mayan ruins in Peru. I really want to think it's some kind of joke. If not... the american education system has a great problem.
The pregnant chick is hot. Wiseman , Gibson is Aussie you fucking idiot. J-bud go goose-step infront of a moving bus,you are just pissed off because some uncircumsized non-christian fucked your momma for 3.50 & cab fare.
Buck Nasty...................Your cheap slut muma got pregnant by a dirty baboon from africa so shut the fuck up and poison yourself. That pregant bitch is a proper slut.
I'll go w/ this one: " the american education system has a great problem"
"Apocalypto is nothing less than the visual fantasies and fetishes of a very disturbed man. First, we had to suffer two hours of a film entitled PASSION OF THE CHRIST, in which Christ is tortured for two entire hours, as one atrocity after another is inflicted upon him. For some reason, all the gore freaks and torture buffs in America "got off" watching that appalling film. I don't consider that kind of thing entertainment and I sure did not walk away from the film feeling enlightened about Christ. Now, we get another example of Mel Gibson's disturbed mind, in the form of two hours of a jungle tribe being tortured, with one atrocity after another visited upon them. Gibson is truly in need of psychiatric assistance (not to mention his many sadistic admirers). What is appealing about watching people being tortured and maimed for several hours????? Gibson seems so fascinated with torturing and brutalizing characters that you have to wonder if in a former life he was a member of the Spanish Inquisition, possibly the head of a torture unit assigned to maiming the Jews he so despises? Or maybe he worked for one of the Russian Tzars and assisted them in torturing Jews during their vicious pogroms? Never have I seen a director who revels in splattering blood, cruelty, and sadism upon a screen as this sick individual. Anybody who "gets off" on this kind of film is proably the same kind of brain dead jackass who rushes to see Marilyn Manson concerts or worships Rob Zombie. In other words, this is a film that will appeal to the lowest common denominator of nasty freaks who like to see small helpless animals tortured. Of course, every anti-Semite in America is rushing to see the film and place dollars in the paws of this sick puppy, Gibson, masquerading as a human being. Never has there been such a lightning rod for anti-Semitic sentiment as this emotionally warped man, who embodies everything wrong about America and contemporary American cinema."
It's probably gonna flop.
Moe is a jealous assholes. He runs a website that caters to horny warehouse employees in their 40s and Mel is one of the world's biggest. BTW, only Westerners got offended by his Jew remarks. The rest of us applaud him.
Fuck the Jews. Too bad Hitler didn't finish what he started.
the girl in the last pic is cute Dalia Hernandez i thik..
J-bud you pathetic douchebag you'd better come back to your mother's basement and wank in front of Mel Gibson's picture with your 2inch dick
FUCKING FAT DUMBSHIT AMERICAN CUNTS HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO MAKE THIS SHIT. GET A LIFE YOU FATTIES.
Make a Scandalous Comment
Please note: Do not use multiple nicknames & leave annoying, pointless comments that only attack other Bastardly Visitors. Also, blatant racial & sexual slurs for no particular reason will not be condoned. BREAK THE RULES: YOU WILL BE BANNED & appeals via email will not be considered. Before you comment, please be aware that no comments will be edited or deleted. Ever.
Lastly, if you have special scoop (i.e. scandalous photos, bastardly ex-girlfriends & boyfriends you want to expose, etc etc), please do contact us directly. You will remain anonymous!